When I sing, I feel like when you're first in love. It's more than sex. It's that point two people can get to they call love, when you really touch someone for the first time, but it's gigantic, multiplied by the whole audience. I feel chills.

It feels like I'm in a box..and all I can do is go to THOSE four walls, those four corners. I'm stuck. I'm going in circles. My acid reflux makes my life a living hell. Help me out of this box.

I'm back on Lexapro. Doing good. But my acid reflux is bugging me. Makes me feel winded. But I'm working on it.

My sister is currently down. I'm so happy to see her! We talked last night..for a long long time and it made me feel better. My nephew, Aiden, is sooo adorable.

I'm watching GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

Things feel like they are getting back to normal. Slowly.

Thank you God.

I haven't updated in awhile. So many things were happening. My sister got out of the hospital last month. Thank God. She's doing better. The day after, my grandma went to the hospital and found out she had pancreatic cancer. She was 81 years old and it was terminal. She passed away on March 28th, 2009. Needless to say, I started taking anxiety medicine again. It just wasn't the time to try and get off with so much stress in my life. But here I am, weening myself off this new shit they have me on. I'm not letting this keep me down. I'm not letting this take control of my life anymore. I'm stronger than this diease. Just watch and see.

So, I lived through the withdrawls. I haven't updated in awhile. Last night was the first night I've went out since I've been off my medicine. I'm proud of myself. In other news, I'm completely and utterly fed up with the so called 'men' of this town. Is it so hard to find a nice guy? I'll answer that- yess! So, needless to say, I've been a bitch to everyone with a penis. And I don't even care. I can't wait to get the hell out of this town and start over somewhere else, with new people.

Today I texted Ray, informed him that I was taking him things he got me to Adrians, unless he wanted to talk to me, then I'd take them to his house. He texted back [for the first time in a couple of days], he said, "I'm at the house." So, Kandyce and I went to his house. He came outside and we talked.

I asked him why he'd been ignoring me. I asked him if I'd done anything wrong. He said no. Then I asked what is it then. He finally told me that he didn't think he was good enough for me. Which was adorable. I tried not to look at his eyes, they're my weakness. Haha, but he said he's going to come over later tonight or tomorrow.

We'll see.
I am not getting my hopes up.

I hate having the bed to myself. I never thought I'd be one of those girls that got so use to sleeping next to someone, that they couldn't sleep if that person wasn't there. My nights are really hard, these days.

I have honestly cried every day for almost two weeks. Everything in my life is going downhill..fast. I'm so sick of thinking I found a good guy, only to find out I was wrong. I'm sick of these stupid fucking withdrawals. God, EVERYONE is on my nerves. It seems like no one is helping me. I'm doing this byself, like usual.

I'm so use to tear stained pillow cases its not even funny.



My life is shit.

So, my sister got out of the hospital today after almost three months of being in there. BUT, a week ago my grandmother got very sick, and we find out she has pancreatic cancer. So, my stress levels have been maxed out. I'm trying to keep it together, but battling this and my withdrawls; ITS HARD. I find out today, she has a month left to live. They can't do anything to help her.

She's 81, and such a lovely woman. Its a shame. I feel bad too, because I didn't go see her today because I'm struggling with my meds. My mom is utterly crushed, and my little safe home is gone now. Everyone is on edge. Everyone is stressed. All I can do is cry. I'm so upset. I miss my mom being happy. I want everything to be normal again. But it won't. My life will forever be changed. Ray saved me last night. Thank God<3 I'm thankful I have people in my life that care I'm going through this and try to help. I might break a few things in this house in the process, but hopefully I'll be alright in the end.

My grandma is going somewhere better, and my mom needs to realize that. We shouldn't be mourning her death, we should be celebrating her life and how amazing it was. I love you Grandma. Lord, take care of her, please.

So, I'm having Lexapro withdrawals. I stopped taking them like a week ago. The symptoms were really bad at first, then yesterday, I barely had any. BUT today I'm having them badly. Crying for no reason. Getting pissed at NOTHING. Nausea. It's HORRIBLE. Plus, my mom is in Little Rock with my Grandma, and I really want her home. I'm scared and I hate this shit.

MY SISTER IS PREGNANT :D

I just found out that my friend/step-nephew is in the hospital. I was just hugging him and telling him to be careful, and now they don't know if he's even going to make it through the night. Ray came in with blood on his hands, and said Adrian had been in a fight. Swung and missed, that threw him off balance and he fell and hit his head on the ground. The other guy continued to hit him three more times while he was 'out of it.' Ray said he couldn't breathe right and his head was bleeding really badly. After Ray left, he called me and said they had to take Adrian to the Med because he was bleeding in is brain and they didn't know if he was going to make it. I JUST fucking saw him. He was JUST sitting on my bed, talking to me. How could this happen? Why did this happen?

I have never, ever been good at relationships. I get super jealous and controling. Then I start hating the person I become in that relationship. With Daniel, when I get angry with someone else or something I'll take it out on Daniel because he's the one closest to me. He's supposed to be here on Valentines Day. I'm trying my best to be better; its hard though. I just want to be like those amazing girlfriends on tv that are always cool about EVERYTHING. I wish I could trust more. Oh, and I'm marrying Kyle Xy :D

I can't wait to see her smiling again. It can't come soon enough. Thursday my family and I got back from seeing her in Kentucky. We stayed for six days at her house with her husband and baby, Aiden. I was walking down the hallway to her room, passing by all the other patients and I felt my chest tighten. And when I got into her room and saw her, my heart stopped. I had to leave the room, I was having a mini panic attack. Always, Jeni has been the strong one, the one that was always smiling and happy, but now-she isn't. She's bed ridden and can't talk because she has a vent in her throat. After awhile, I took some medicine and went back in there with my mom and sister.

She smiled when she saw us. She smiled. She was happy.<3

We stayed at the hospital with her everyday. She is getting so much better. But she wasn't completely aware of her surroundings because she's been on methadone. Tuesday is came a snow storm, which was odd for me. I don't like snow.

So, Wed night, Jeni mouthed the words "I want Mom." Thats the only way we've been able to understand her. She then asked, "What happened?" And we had to tell her why she was there, and how long. She cried for a long time because she didn't realize she'd been in there so long. 50-something days. Pneumonia.

Thursday- We went to the hospital to say bye to her because the ice and snow was melting and we had to drive for six hours home. Jeni smiled again. She was doing that more and more. She kept trying to get out of bed, so we had to explain to her why she couldn't get up yet. And it upset her to not be able to leave. I sat down on her bed, and she asked her husband, "Who is that?" and kicked me off the bed. I was scared and didn't know why she'd done that. My mom told her, "Its Catie, Jen." When she realized it was me, she held her arms out to me. I hugged her, and instantly started crying. Finally, she was my sister again. When we told her we had to leave, she got really upset. Crying, and trying to get up. Mom broke down when Jeni asked her, "Take me with you?" It broke my heart to see this. More than anything I wanted to take her with us. For her to be okay. For her to be better right then. To hug her and hear her voice.

I held her hands and told her I loved her. And she mouthed, "You.." And I said, "You want me?" And she nodded and pulled me down. I was confused at first. I didn't know if she wanted a hug or what. But then I felt a light touch on my cheek and realized she was kissing me on the cheek. My heart fell to the ground then. She knew who I was and that made me so happy, but I HATED to leave her. I don't want her to think we aren't coming back, or that she's alone. Or that we don't love her. It just broke my heart to leave. I miss her everyday.

I'm just thankful she's getting better. Someone is watching over her.

Troy mentioned that I wasn't being very cheerful when I returned from seeing her. Even said I was being 'bitchy', and I had to inform him that I just had to leave my sick sister in Kentucky so I have to right to be BITCHY. I'm just waiting until she's out of there. I can't wait to her that pretty smile and those eyes light up.

I have been in love for two years with a boy named Daniel McCoy. He's in California and I am in Arkansas. We started dating September 11th, 2006, and we've been off and on since then. Mainly, because we were both young and stupid. We have always been in each others life, even while we were broken up. He is my best friend and I love him. I've been snapping at him a lot recently though; bringing up past things he's done to me for no apparent reason. Just to fight. Getting mad for silly little things. Causing a scene over NOTHING. The reason is: I'm a bit mad at myself. For lots of things. I'm mad because my sister is in the hospital. I'm mad because he's hurt me before, but I have no reason to fight with him. He's amazing. I just have problems forgiving people. I'm working on it. I have anger issues and I KNOW it. I'm working on fixing that. Because I'm in love.

today